


Belong

by siroo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, F/M, Ignoring Feelings, Pining, Quite Literally, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:41:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26009686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siroo/pseuds/siroo
Summary: You were, in essence, just very tired of everything. Nothing made sense and nothing had any meaning. If only you could snap out of it. Maybe, with the help of the Winchesters you could see that the world was in fact an okay place. You did belong, you just didn't know it yet.This started as a way to pour out feelings, but the story evolved and the characters had a say in being heard. Hope my rambling can help someone to feel like they belong.
Relationships: Dean/reader
Kudos: 9





	1. Numbness

You sat on the backseat of the Impala. The grey scenery flashed by your sides and reflected perfectly how you felt inside. Nothing. Nada. Ei mitään. You were starting to realize how the numbness had possessed you over the hours you had been driving. It came steadily creeping and made sure you wouldn't notice it before it was too late. As always.

After the last hunt, you just didn't have the energy to try to banish it. You let the numbness sit inside you and make you feel nothing. You didn't care about anything. You didn't even care that you didn't care. You just let the emptiness fill you. In the front seat Dean and Sam had started a conversation. You didn't have the vaguest idea of what they were talking about. Probably the previous hunt or the next one.

You didn't realize they were talking to you until Sam turned halfway around and looked you properly over the seat. At the same time Dean peered you through the rear view mirror.  
“Y/N?” Sam said sounding worried. “Are you alright?”  
You tried to answer Sam, but you just couldn’t get any words leave your mouth. After a while you just nodded. Sam didn't seem to believe your nonverbal statement but turned back around.

“What do you think is wrong with her?” Sam asked Dean in a hushed tone. Dean quickly looked back at Y/N and sighed.  
“I don't know, man. I mean she's perfectly healthy as far as I know”, Dean said not bothering to bring his voice down. If things were as he thought they might be Y/N wouldn't hear him. He inspected her again through the rear view mirror. She seemed calm and well composed, but the angle of her shoulders, thou not very noticeable thing, told otherwise. Y/N had sulked in herself. Dean understood, because he sometimes had that same hopeless dead look in his eyes. Hell, he probably had it in his eyes most of the time. Dean just hoped that Y/N would stand 'till they got to the bunker. Luckily it shouldn't be too long anymore.

You sat back. Pondering why you couldn’t just explode like a bomb. Why you couldn't speak up, shout. Shouting seemed like a perfect idea. The only problem was that you just couldn't do it. You couldn't bring yourself up to shout. And as an afterthought shouting seemed like a terrible idea. Why should you shout? Why should you draw attention to yourself? Sam and Dean had already done more than enough for you. Why should they care if you felt anything or not? Hell, likely they didn't care at all. If you just happened to disappear right now they wouldn't even care. They wouldn't bother to look up for you. They might bring it up for each other occasionally when they remembered you as the silly girl who thought there was something in her. It would be a laughing matter to them. How they wasted time for you and tried to make you fit. Because you would never fit in. You weren't as skilled or trained as them. You didn't have the monster knowledge as they had, Sam especially.

You could open the door of the Impala so easily. Little movement and you would be out. Even through the numbness you were certain that you had enough strength. But not much more. The speed Dean was driving was mad. You had gone over the limit the second you hit the road. Looking at the rapidly changing scenery, you thought that if you were to jump you wouldn't make it far after. The force you would hit the ground would kill you, most likely.

Killing yourself wasn't on your bucket list. You still had a will to live. Small, but still. You were almost certain that in this lifestyle suicidal thoughts were the norm not the exception. Hunting drained oneself empty. Whether it was the life’s you couldn't save or the heavy duty that rested on your shoulders you didn't know. Maybe it was a bit of both. You didn’t exactly get to keep holidays, because whenever you were about to do that all you were able to think about were the lives you would miss. All the people you would let down.

You were done. At last you understood why the emptiness had filled you up while sitting on the leather seats of the Impala. You were done. Empty. There was no strength in you left. You had no power to go help others. You had just enough energy to fall into nothing and empty your brain. You remembered all the other times you had felt the numbness. Never this great before, but small glimpses of what would come. It had always been after rough weeks of hunting with no time in between. At some point, you had always felt the worthlessness fill you up. You had still always kept your covers up and gone to sleep. In the mornings, the numbness had been gone. This time though the numbness had started the night before. You had just gone back from cemetery after you burned the bones of a malicious ghost who had went through much in her life. You had felt weird similarity with her, but after the job was done and you went back to motel to get some sleep before you would drive back to bunker you had felt it. Knowing what was up you had gone to bed quickly feigning to be tired.

All you wanted when you woke up was to feel. And you did, kinda. You felt the numbness still, but it was not apparent. It was like it was waiting to burst out into nothing. So, during the morning you tried to play it cool. At breakfast at the nearby diner you ordered toast like usually, because there weren’t many vegan options available. And, like usually, Dean had bickered about your choice of food and told you that you spend too much time with Sam. Even though, as you were sure Dean also knew, Sam had nothing to do with your diet. It had been your choice long before you went into hunting. And before it was easier considering you ate at greasy diners and some nights you would have to acquiesce to fries. Not that you complained. It was your choice and you would live with that. Not that it seemed to make any sense anymore, not much did.

And you had had some influence on Sam. Yeah, he wasn't vegan, but he would eat the option when it was available, and he was keen on trying your cooking. Dean on the other hand ate what you offered, the limited times you could cook at the bunker, but complained that it was rabbit food. Even when you made your lasagna.

But after you hit the road with more or less full stomachs you felt the numbness again. Slowly it increased its power and now you were here. You were sitting in the backseat of the Impala at one o'clock in the morning, because it was an hour tops to the bunker and Dean didn't want to stop this close to home and you wondered just when had your life became so awful. Well you knew exactly when all this had started. But you had made a promise to yourself to not to think about it. Even though through the numbness it might not hurt as much.

Dean glanced Y/N through the rear view window what felt like the millionth time. The kid wasn't alright this time. Sure, he had seen her go all quiet and into herself before, but this time something felt different. She saw her look outside and would have gave anything for her thoughts, just to make sure she would be alright. Because even though Dean didn't want to admit it to himself, or Sam who had been annoyingly perspective, he cared about Y/N a lot. A lot more than he should, that's for sure. Still she wasn't into him, so Dean just let it slide and buried the feeling. Sometimes it just popped up, like now, and he couldn't stop caring and worrying.

Luckily, they already turned to the small road that led to the bunker. Dean slowed down so Baby wouldn't get hit by too many rogue rocks. They had come home sooner than any one of them had thought possible. Driven by Deans trepidation over Y/N. When Dean slowed Baby all the way down, he turned around at last to see the cause of his concern. Y/N still seemed not knowing where they were. It wasn't until Sam had gone out and into bunker after making sure everyone would be okay that Dean spoke up.

“Y/N”, you heard your name being called. With significant effort, you traded your consecration from inwards to Dean. You flicked your e/c eyes to meet his green ones. In the dark, it was hard to tell their colour and if you hadn't known it you wouldn't have been able to tell. Which was pity, because such eyes should always be visible.  
“Y/N, you here with me?” Dean asked you after you hadn't answered him the first time. You saw the look in his eyes. Through the empty fog glazing your eyes you weren't able to place the emotion, but you were pretty sure it was pity. Dean pitied you, because you weren't anything, and soon they would tell it to you too. It was strange how you knew all this and still you just couldn't care. Maybe tomorrow you would remember how much it actually hurt to be rejected and how empty you would feel then when you had nowhere to go.

Without your notice Dean, had gotten out of the car and opened the back door behind the driver’s door. You watched him with big eyes as he scooped in and picked you up.  
“Alright, kiddo, you aren't gonna like this tomorrow, 'cause you’re a big girl and all, but I'm going to carry you inside so bear with me”, Dean said. You didn't response. 'Cause how could you have. Dean didn't carry you around. No one did. Still you just stared at him.

The look on Y/N's face was the hardest part. She didn't complain, she didn't even pout for the fact that she was being carried around like a five-year-old. That scared the living shit out of Dean. It showed just how deep she was. And back at the car, when Dean had finally got her attention after maybe a dozen time calling for her, the look had been terrifying. Because her face didn't hold any emotion at all. Even when Dean had felt like he thought Y/N felt he still had been angry if nothing else.

Dean carried Y/N through the bunker and into his room. He didn't notice that until he had put Y/N down onto his bed. She looked so good in there. Like she belonged. But that was totally wrong thought right now. Dean just had to get Y/N to sleep and maybe everything would be okay in the morning. He didn't really know how to cope with things like this, because he didn't even cope with his own problems. He just threw them away. Locked in some dark corner in his mind.

Dean started by taking away Y/N's boots. He placed them neatly beside the bed so she would find them when she woke up. Then he took away her socks. He contemplated on whether or not he should take away more of her clothes and if it would give her the wrong idea of his motives. His pondering was ceased when Y/N tore away her flannel and kicked her jeans away. With her top and underwear on she buried herself under the covers. Dean turned to leave, because they didn't need to face the awkward morning waking up on the same bed. Sure, they had slept on the same bed sometimes, but that was when the motels couch was so shitty that not one of them was able to sleep on it. And Sam, being the giant he was, hoarded so much room that neither of them could sleep with him. That meant that whenever needed Dean and Y/N got to be the bed buddies. But then Dean realized that it would get awkward anyway in the morning, because Y/N was in his room and in his bed instead of her own.

He would have leaved. At least that was what he told himself afterwards. He would have leaved, but then Y/N spoke up.  
“Dean”, she said in a small voice, “don't leave me alone, please.” And Dean couldn't leave. Not after her words and pleading eyes. No, he would just comfort Y/N and everything would be okay in the morning.

Dean took away his clothes leaving on his t-shirt and boxers. He would sleep on his side of the bed, so there would be no hassle. He got to bed and under covers with no problems. When he had made himself comfortable Y/N rolled close to him and hugged him thigh. She took a firm grip on his shirt and nuzzled her nose to his chest. Dean couldn't help but place his hand around her. She felt so good next to him like this. She should sleep next to him from this day till the last one. Dean didn't know how he could keep his feelings hidden. Not after how he had felt what he could have. Then he remembered that Y/N wasn't alright and felt bad for his thoughts. He should be caring about her, not his own desires. Y/N needed him now and if she didn't need him ever again, he would be okay with that, devastated, but okay. Because if it was best for her it would be best for him.


	2. Breakfast anyone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the hunt. Numbness notwithstanding, a time for breakfast.

You woke up slowly. You felt warm. There was a warm body pressing against yours. You opened your eyes quickly and tried to remember where you were. The previous day and night came slowly back to you. As came the thoughts. The self-loathing ideas how you weren't worth anything. You wished that the numbness would mean that you couldn't remember anything, but you always did. Every last detail of your bad days was etched into your brain. Just so you wouldn't forget. Just so it wouldn't get too easy all of sudden.

A warm hand was pressed against your front, just under your breasts. Another was under your head. You felt warm air coming in puffs to your neck. And your legs were tangled with someone else’s. Dean’s. As you remembered the thoughts from last night you remembered how he had got you to bed. He just didn't want you to sleep in his Baby, you thought. He just didn't want you to be anywhere near his precious car. You couldn't help the thoughts from yesterday lifting their head. But pressed against him you felt like maybe that wasn't the whole truth. Humming contently, you pressed closer to him. He groaned a little and then you felt him pull away.

He turned to his back and yawned taking his hand from under your head.  
“Morning, Y/N”, he said. You rolled your shoulder before turning around to face him.  
“Morning, Dean”, you answered. He smiled at you and gave a short laugh.  
“As nice as it is to wake up next to a beautiful woman like yourself, would you tell me what happened yesterday?” He said staring at you, now with a serious expression. You frowned. Dean had noticed. And so, must have Sam. Because Dean really wasn't the observant one of the two of them. This was exactly what you didn't want to happen. You didn't want to burden them with your problems when they had enough problems on their own.

This was the beginning of everything bad in your imagination. When the brothers saw how miserable and useless you were, they would want nothing to do with you. You had tried to control your problems, but alas they had saw right through you. You couldn't exactly blame them, because they were one of the smartest persons you knew. So of course, at some point they would see how you were nothing but dead weight.

“Nothing happened yesterday”, you said to Dean nonchalantly. He stared you a little more.  
“You know, kiddo, I thought you would give me more credit by not trying to lie so badly”, he said. You winced a little at his words. So, you were right. They were done with you.  
“Hey, I didn't mean it badly. I just meant.. you know, that I don't want you to be miserable and I want to help if I can.” You looked at him with sad eyes. How could you burden him? Him, Dean Winchester. The man with most burden already. You opened your mouth and couldn't believe what you were about to say.  
“I... sometimes I have these bad days when I feel like... like I'm in a mental pit. There's nothing but darkness, nothing gets through to me. I... I'm all alone with my thoughts”, you said whispering the last part.

Dean let you finish before sitting up and pulling you to sit on his lap. He stroked your hair gently before speaking.  
“What were you thinking yesterday?” he asked. Without his comforting touch you were sure you wouldn't have been able to say it. Without his touch the thoughts would have been too close to you.  
“How no one would care if I went away.”

Dean couldn't believe what he had just heard. No one would care? What about him? He cared a lot! So was Y/N just going to leave their sorry asses and move on. Dean certainly hoped not.  
“I care about you”, he told Y/N, “Sammy cares about you.” Y/N just hummed in response. He couldn't lose her. Not her too. Dean had lost too many people in his life. He was going to make sure Y/N wouldn't join the list. He thought on what she had told him. She said that she had bad days. Okay Dean was able to understand that. They all had bad days. They just showed them differently. He guessed Y/N was just the kind that went into themselves when they had problems.  
“How often do you have these bad days?” Dean realized he had just asked her. Y/N played a little with the hem of his shirt before answering.  
“It depends. I'm having more nowadays. I'm tired.”

Dean didn't want to let Y/N go. Not like that. But as she refused to say anything more Dean was forced to let her up.  
“I'll go make us some breakfast”, she said cheerily while putting on her jeans. Dean scolded her. Yeah right. As if she could just switch some kind of emotion switch and suddenly be joyful again. That was not how it worked, how Y/N worked. Dean had known her enough time to see that she needed time after being sad. Not that he had noticed her being sad like that ever before.

As you left the room you mentally hit yourself. Waking up in Deans bed had been fun and all, but why, just why did you have to spill your beans to him. It wasn't right. He didn't need to know. No one did. And then you had went and offered to make him breakfast. Like he would want to eat anything you made. And you weren't sure if you could make him bacon right now.

Sam was in the kitchen when you went there. He must know that you slept in Deans bed, but he didn't say anything. Which was nice of him, because you didn't want to tell him what you had told Dean and he wouldn't believe that you had just slept. Or at least that was what you thought at the moment. You contemplated whether or not to say him anything while you went to the fridge. You opened it and saw the ingredients for your toast as well as Deans bacon. You told him you would make breakfast. But he didn't want to eat your food. Rabbit food, as he called it. And you just couldn't take the bacon and make it. You just couldn't.

You began to get angry with yourself. Why was everything so god damn hard. Why couldn't you just be a normal person. Who could cook whatever they wanted. It shouldn't be such a moral debate. You weren't cooking the meat for yourself. So what's the hassle. Surely others could cook just fine. Your hold on the fridge door tightened. With white knuckles you shouted to yourself mentally. Just take one. Just take something.

The touch on your shoulder made you jump. Literally. You jolted away from the fridge and looked down ashamed. Such a good a hunter you were when you got surprised in the damn kitchen. You would be dead meat if it had been a monster.  
“Y/N you okay?” It was Dean. He had showered and changed his clothes in the time you had spent arguing with yourself. Which made you wonder just how long you had held the fridge door open.  
“Yeah, I guess I'm just not hungry, sorry”, you said ashamed. Dean gave you a look and said:  
“You haven't eaten since noon yesterday so you sure are hungry. C'mon go sit down, I'll make the breakfast.”  
You did as he said feeling down. You had said you would manage the breakfast and then you nearly had a mental breakdown in front of the friggin' fridge. You buried your face in your hands and hoped that none of this would have happened.

You knew you were acting ridiculously. It wasn't such a big deal, breakfast. Or it shouldn't have been. But right now, right after the numbness and all the thoughts it felt like an impossible chore. You went to the kitchen table and sat down while both Sam and Dean watched you. Their eyes poured into you and you couldn't stand it so you picked up a book from the table. Wraiths, ghosts and the sort, how fitting. Not caring that the book hit a little too close to home you went on reading it. Or looking like you read it. After a while both of the boys turned away. Sam went back to the coffee machine and Dean started doing his bacon.

After a while you realized that you didn't smell bacon at all. You lift your head and sought for Dean. He was at the stove, but not for the bacon. Instead he was making oatmeal. Sam was watching him clearly amused and Dean shot dark looks to him. You couldn't wrap your head around the idea of Dean making porridge so you dove back to the book. The description of wraths and ectoplasm was too much, but you couldn't stop reading. Not before you got a plate shoved to you face. You looked up and saw that Dean had offered the bowl to you. You slowly took the porridge and noticed it had some banana slices and blueberries on top.

“Thank you”, Y/N said after a while. Dean shook his head and tried to make sense of the look she had had on her face, when he gave her the oatmeal. Y/N had looked so shocked and surprised to see that he had made something for her. Of course, he would cook for her. Who wouldn't? Did she really think so little of him that she couldn't even think he would make her breakfast. Crumpily Dean sat down. The looks Sam had given him didn't help at all. He had been clearly amused. And too perceptive for his liking. Sure, his brother knew that he fancied Y/N, but did he have to give him the looks in front of her?

It was bad enough to be pining towards someone who didn't want you, but to get feedback of it all the time. Too much. Even if the feedback was nonverbal. Dean could remember the first time he saw Y/N. It was misty day in the northeast. They had been killing a ghost. Particularly nasty one who liked to possess people. The ghost had been possessing Y/N the time they had gotten rid of it. Y/N had been in a bad shape after and refused to go to the hospital. Dean hadn't got a clear answer yet as to why, but he had to guess that it had something to do with her family and what the ghost had done to her. Had made her do.

Thinking back Dean couldn't remember they had discussed the incident too much. They went from motel to motel after they left the misty town. They had dragged Y/N with them, because she had no one and the police were likely looking for her regarding the incident. The ghost had done some of the shit in front of security cameras. So of with them she was. After a while Y/N had gotten better and started to show an interest towards hunting. Dean had refused. Of course, nobody should start hunting, but Sam had been less inflicted. He saw the wisdom and talent Y/N possessed even if Y/N herself wasn't aware of it. Even back then Dean had been starting to have some feelings for Y/N, not that he admitted the to himself for a long time. They took her under their wing and drove her to the bunker. She was amazed, rightfully so. The library especially was her favourite. She bonded with Sam over the books and thirst for knowledge. Y/N was spectacular when they needed help for a hunt. She read fast and gave them the right information.

That was of course before she started hunting herself. That had scared the living shit out of Dean. The first time had been a werewolf. He and Sam would have normally opted for a ghost, because they were usually the easiest, but given Y/N's circumstances that wasn't an option. So werewolf it had been. Tame one, really. Freshly turned, could have been her second or third full moon. Still somehow Y/N had gotten separated from Sam and him and the wolf had found her. When they got to them Y/N was breathing hard and slashing her silver knife at her. Y/N's braid had flipped through the air while the werewolf had long dirty blond hair all messed up and wild. When the wolf snached Y/N's hair and brought her down Dean had yelled and tried to get to them. He would have shot the bitch, but she and Y/N were wrestling on the ground and Dean couldn't be sure he wouldn't hit Y/N. Luckily after dangling in the dirt Y/N had raised on top and pushed her dagger through the wolfs heart.

After the fight had ended Dean had ran to her. Sam had followed suit, checking that the werewolf was truly dead. Dean had gone straight to Y/N. Seeing her with scars and dirt all over had made him mad. But given that Y/N had already killed the one that had caused her the discomfort Dean couldn't do anything else than walk Y/N to the Impala and drive her to the motel.

There he had stitched few of the deeper cuts and bandaged the rest. Y/N had reassured that she was okay, but Dean still had to help her. Do right for her. When he was done with the stitching, he had placed his hand on the back of her head with the intention of making his talk less stern. However, Y/N had cried out and once again Dean wanted to kill that bitch. Y/N said she just had a sore scalp and it would heal in no time. Bullshit called Dean, but Y/N insisted that she was fine.

But that really was the name of the game. Fine. She was always fine. Never more. Never less. At least not that she told them. Like now. Y/N was eating her porridge serenely. Just placing a spoonful to mouth and chewing slowly. She wasn’t really focusing on anything. Just kept her face down.


End file.
